I'm Scared That I Don't Know Myself
Cue "Liability" by Lorde
Since the start of 2025, I’ve taken a total of maybe 10 pictures of myself. I am writing this in October, just to be transparent.
I don’t hate how I look. In fact, I am at a really comfortable place with my appearance at the moment; I think there’s something else at work. Shame. Embarrassment.
Over what? Honestly, I’m not even sure. Nothing. Everything.
As a queer person growing up, I had to be incredibly intentional with every aspect of my life. How I spoke. How I styled my hair. How I walked. If I was too gay, they’d know and I’d be immediately “othered”. That wasn’t going to happen to me, I had to be included.
Even after I came out at around 13 years old in 7th grade, to only close friends (not the Instagram one, my actual close friends) and then eventually everyone, it was a constant push and pull of trying to assimilate into different worlds. I had friends in every corner, people knew me and they didn’t seem to outright hate me. Though, I don’t think that’s entirely true. Some people just wouldn’t let me exist without being upset. But, I survived by hiding parts of myself to appease people in every corner.
This is something I am ashamed to admit, I would compare myself to other openly queer people and have the thought “alright, don’t be AS GAY as them.” It was a way to not be that gay person. To stay safe. To not put the target on me. This allowed me safety in my different groups, to continue to float amongst them and not have anyone upset with me because “oh it’s just D.D.” instead of “oh it’s that GAY PERSON”.
Now, after years of unlearning things I know that my queerness can never be removed or forgotten. They always saw it. They just tokenized me. It was also so incredibly disrespectful of me to have those thoughts in regards to the queer people around me. They didn’t deserve that, even if they never knew I thought that way. If they did, or if I gave off a vibe of “you’re too gay”, I hate myself for it to this day.
When I got to college I attempted to find myself. I went balls to the wall gay. Joined the LGBTQ+ club, fit myself right into their hierarchy to the point of being in their executive board, painted my nails, dyed my hair every color of the rainbow, and discovered the use of other pronouns. I played D&D with friends. I helped found a KPOP club. I tried to express myself the best way I knew how.
And a part of me loved that.
But a part of me worried it was performative. Was that me? Or am I siphoning attributes of other people and being sewn together with the parts of my neighbors I think they’d enjoy, just so I feel included?
Not to mention, this current wave of “everything is cringe.” Even sincerity feels so disingenuous at times that I feel out of my own skin when I try to get in tune with myself. I’m not even one of the people who thinks things are cringe, I just can feel the impact of this era weighing on me. So if I try to get to know me,
I’m really worried people don’t know me. I’m not sure I really know myself. There are things that I like but then comes the thought of, do I really like them or are they interests I “put on” to seem more appealing to others around me?
But then comes the discussion of, aren’t we all made up of people we’ve interacted with? I’m made up of my mother and my father. I’m made up of my best friends from high school. I’m made up of my experiences in college. Even if those things aren’t all positive or negative, they did impact me and stick with me.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, as you can tell by this post. Perhaps there needs to be less policing of my own brain. I see so many versions of myself when I look back on my life, versions I love and hate, and I think doing this has helped me embrace them all.
There are parts of myself that I’ll never truly understand. Maybe I don’t know who I am, maybe I’m literally just 28 years old and life is really fucking weird right now; or maybe, life is just weird in general for everyone. We’re sitting on a rock in space and so many things are worse than what I’m going through.
Maybe not knowing who I am is a good thing. Maybe this will allow me to start anew now that my brain fully formed, well 3 years ago but still better late than never. Time to explore new hobbies. Try new things. Allow myself some grace because so much of the versions of me in the past, and sometimes still in the present, are for survival.
And here I am to type this out, so something worked.
Maybe I’ll take a picture to put here.
